Grief and mourning are tricky words. They get even trickier when we are in the thick of experiencing both of them. Sure, there are textbook definitions of each of them and yes, the words grief and mourning are often used interchangeably, but they represent two very distinct aspects of how we experience and express loss. Both are integral to the process of healing, but they show up in different ways for each and every one of us. Not only that, but they show up for each of us differently for each and every loss that we experience. So, even though it might seem a bit mundane, going back to basics and learning those textbook definitions can be helpful afterall. Understanding the distinction between grief and mourning can provide clarity, compassion and practical tools for supporting ourselves and others through the most difficult times we will ever face...ever.
So, what is Grief?
Textbook Definition: Grief is the internal, emotional response to loss. It encompasses the feelings, thoughts and physical sensations that arise after experiencing a significant change or the death of a loved one. Grief is deeply personal and varies from one individual to another, reflecting the unique bond shared with what was lost.
Actual Definition: Grief is all the shit that you ACTUALLY FEEL! It's the saddness, the anger, the guilt, the anxiety! It's even the RELIEF that feels strange and foreign but somewhat calming if you've been the caregiver for your loved one for a long period of time and you now know their suffering is over or you've sat with your newborn for hours and you know now they are finally at peace. Grief is the pit in your throat that makes it difficult to swallow, the nauseousness that makes it difficult to eat even though everyone says you have to "keep your strength up," and the tension that has crept into your shoulders like a ton of bricks. Grief is you not remembering anyone's name who came through the receiving line at the wake or graveside service or forgetting to put the milk back in the refridgerator all day. Grief is the surge of questions that you suddenly have about the meaning of life and all the "whys" and "what ifs" that you always found answers to in your faith that suddenly you aren't so sure of anymore.
Grief is not confined to the loss of a loved one through death. It can emerge from other life changes as well. Divorce, job loss, health diagnoses or even aging can all elicit feelings of grief. Unlike mourning, grief is largely internal and may not always be visible to others.
What is Mourning?
Textbook Definition: Mourning is the outward expression of grief. It involves the rituals, behaviors, and traditions through which individuals and communities process and acknowledge loss. Mourning is how grief is externalized, often influenced by cultural, religious and societal norms.
Actual Definition: Mourning is all the shit most of us are uncomfortable with. Unless we've grown up in organized religion and there's some constructs around what to do when someone dies, but even then, the reality is, most of us are truly uncomfortable with the entire thing. Why? Because we DON'T DO DEATH WELL! It throws our systems into crisis and we are GRIEVING! Remember that whole physical response to the loss that we talked about just a few paragraphs ago? So, while there are many practices, observances both spiritual and religious and otherwise that help to "integrate loss into a larger framework of meaning," the fact of the matter is that in the heat of the moment mourning is the harder of the parts to deal with. No one wants to be in their most raw state while they grieve. Who wants to decide on the lining of a casket when they've just lost a child? Who wants to figure out which relatives their father is going to be buried inbetween when the doctor told them it would be at least another 6 months to a year? Truth? NONE OF US! Another truth? Some death is anticipated and for those losses, my take is caregivers and family members should take every opportunity to put elements of mourning in place ahead of time as much as possible so that when the time comes they can simply GRIEVE. This is what I always tell my hospice patients and families. For the deaths that are not or cannot be anticipated, it is important to know that we cannot avoid the structure and guidance that mourning customs, practices and observances put around our grieving process.
Grief and Mourning cannot be avoided and they cannot be separated. Both are necessary in moving us through the journey of loss and life after loss. It's all just a matter of what each of those experiences looks like for you.
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